I certainly did not, yet here I am.
*Takes the deepest breath possible*
I seriously contemplated writing about this but I also promised myself to bear my soul in this blog. So here we go.
For as long as I can remember, everything has always felt like fight or flight. Literally, EVERYTHING y’all. I forget my homework in third grade and felt like melting into the floor. The worst part, I thought this shit was normal. Ignorance is bliss. Imagine my surprise when I started to realize not everyone’s brain tries to shut down when something minor isn’t seemingly going right. I literally threw up every day my freshman year because my anxiety was just not liking the pressure of high school and change of pace. My dreams of being slim thick unfortunately deterred.
Now those of you lucky enough to never experience anxiety or panic attacks are probably confused as to how dramatic I sound. Let me put it in perspective for you….
At any given moment I suddenly feel underwater – I CAN’T SWIM y’all. My palms get sweaty, my heart races, dizziness ensues, nausea creeps up like a cat burglar and I’m convinced I’m dying. Sometimes there are clear triggers and other times it’s whatever conspiracy theory my brain concocted up on the fly. Don’t believe everything you think. I pause and literally negotiate with myself to stop. Frantically, I tell myself everything is okay and start thinking of all the good. No help. Minutes later, it’s over and I’m back to my old giddy self like a psychopath. I just decided it is what it is.
Then, I started getting worn down. Tired, achy, and burdened with the worry of when the next attack would happen. Why must life be so hard? How can one be at war with oneself so unprovoked?
Fast forward and it’s 2019. I’m now stable and actively taking an antidepressant. Zoloft, to be exact. That’s my bishhhh. Took some warming up to but she really helps me out. She carries 80% of the weight and I just am mindful to do the rest with great mental heath habits. I’m very very very anti big Pharma. Health is wealth without drugs used to be my perspective and I much preferred the idea of being fully in the drivers seat (hahahaaa cause I actually can’t drive) of racing my depression and anxiety than to be captive to chemically induced stability.
In some cases, talk therapy may be all you need. Lifestyle changes may be all you need. Journaling may be all you need. That’s great. Unfortunately some of us need more. Accepting I needed more was a bit hard to swallow. I’m talking anchovies hard. I know it’s healthy but YUCK. Once I put my big girl pants on and finally gave it a real chance, it was like a weight had been lifted off on my shoulders. I still have stress, still have bad days, but they are so so much more manageable. I never feel like I’m slipping headfirst into the ocean.
Long story short, sometimes things hurt and need a bandage…sometimes they hurt and they need a cast. My anxiety needs a cast and I’m no longer ashamed of it 🙂 If you’re struggling believe me, it does not have to be like that anymore. Reach out. Try therapy, exercise, journaling and if all else fails proudly march into your doctors office and ask for a pretty blue cast to help you get back on your feet a little.