I’ve been in toxic relationships. I’ve been the toxic one in relationships. And repeat.
I’ve been unaware tho. I’ve never knowingly known until after the cycle was over, everything said and done.
I’ve been on a cleanse. All aspects of my life. I’ve been unearthing everything in my past. I’ve been pondering over it all. Understanding it all. How exactly did I end up here?
Everything happens for a reason. I wholeheartedly believe that. As thankful for all the good, I’m even more grateful for the bad lately. It brought me right to this exact moment. Where I am running the blog I’ve always wanted to launch. Raising the two most adorable kittens. Waking up to my loverrr day in and out.
Speaking of, I went through a phase where I tried to push him away. Harddddd.
I look back and I adore him for never leaving, even during my darkest moments. At my worst he’d say okay leave if you want, but wanted to make sure I would be with someone who’d protect me as fiercely as he would. #Sunday. I never actually left though. I never truly had reason to no matter how dramatic I felt. I realize we never actually fight each other. Just the actual issue at hand.
Being enveloped in love feels like that crisp cold glass of water after that long day outside in the sun.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I’ve grown up hearing this verse. So much so, it’s one of the few I can say verbatim. Confidently. It’s hard to explain but my body, mind, soul and gut have synchronized in their final ruling that I, a cold ass Capricorn, am melted in his arms and in love. It’s never felt forced or unsure, somehow we’ve flowed to this moment where I can’t help but stare at him and cheese. Obviously I don’t have all the answers but here are some tips I have in cultivating a great relationship.
1. Would you be their friend? Our foundation derives from the fact that he’s my best friend first. Strip away the sex, mushy words, cuddles, etc. Are they a great friend to you? Are you a great friend to them ? Are they a great friend to their friends? This is very important. Yes they might say/do all the right things but how do they treat others? Sometimes, unfortunately, lust can make someone “act” right. But what happens when the excitement wears off? You don’t want to be sideswiped at this now shady person in your life.
2. Do they listen to you? Like really really listen? Early on, I mentioned off hand on the phone that I was eating Nougat. It was one of my fav snacks. The next time we randomly ended up Netflix and chilling, there was nougat at his place. He listened and just wanted me to be as comfy in his place as I was at mine. When you share your hopes, fears, reflections – do they listen without judgement? Without criticizing you? While making you feel comfortable to go to them with ANYTHING? No matter how crazy, I’ve been lucky to know I can call Jay up at any point and word vomit.
3. Speaking of dreams and aspirations, do they support them? When I started really getting back to myself, Jay really was vocal in reminding me I wanted to start this site and to take the plunge 🙂 Fun fact, he made my logo 🙂 even the little things, if you have an idea make sure your significant other isn’t the type to immediately shoot you down or make you feel dumb about it. Are you ride or die or nah?
4. Do you enable them? This is a big one. One of the greatest ways to show someone you love them is by pushing them to being the best version of themselves. A big part of being in a relationship is partnership. You don’t want no weak members on your team do you? So do not enable your other half. Do you witness them maybe being a bad friend? Drinking a little too much lately? Eating habits wilding? Mention it kindly and help them work towards their true potential. Notice I said help. Do not fully solve their problems just support them as they do it themselves. Do not also make them dependent on you or allow them to do so. By doing shit for your partner you are taking away their own motivation to work towards said goal. Empower them, don’t enable them. They will def thank ya later for it
5. Alone time! This one sounds kinda weird for this list, doesn’t it? Think about this – you cannot pour from an empty cup. By having alone time in your relationship, you’re allowing both of you to replenish yourselves. I’m not saying apart time as in time you guys spend away with your respective friends…I’m saying alone time. We have moments where I go on a Luluuu date & he goes on a Jay date. It’s something as simple as me outside doing yoga while he’s doing something to the car. No two people are the same. There is no way your significant other will want to do everything you do all the time. So we carve out time to just work on ourselves or things that interest us, but apart. It allows for neither party to ever feel drained, guittripped into doing something for sake of the other, or lost in the relationship. We fall madly in love with ourselves when we nourish our souls. Without loving yourself, how can you love another? Also you’ll be less likely to be trying to fill a void. We don’t stay together because we NEED to, but because we want to. I think that’s the biggest thing that keeps the spark there.