I, LuuLuuuu, used to be a yes-man. Well, woman but you catch my drift. If a friend needed a favor. Yes was always the answer.
My phone go off, I’d instantly go answer it.
If I got invited somewhere, I’d be there.
Whatever it was, I’d be down.
Then I started to get anxious when things would start popping up.
A bish was tired. Like really emotionally drained. I’m pretty extroverted so it definitely shook me that I started to detest social interactions.
Til I came up with a no list.
Actually, something happened. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Someone I used to consider my friend asked to borrow some money. Of course I said sure. It’s important to note that it didn’t matter why, I would have said yes regardless because I was getting it back. But said friend, hmm lets call her A, had gave me a whole ordeal of a story as to why she needed this loan. She gave me a whole speech on making it convenient to me to meet closer to my place. Sounds good right? Around 4, I gave her an eta. Lets call it 4:30. A responds saying 5:00 would work better for her. Sure, no problem. I guess it’ll take her an hour.
Soooooooo now I’m waiting. Then it starts raining……it’s 5:05 and A says she’s leaving out now. ._.
Then its 5:30 and all of a sudden it’s 12 mins away. Somehow in this exchange I realize A was 12 mins away the whole time. Plus has access to a car but didn’t “feel” like utilizing it.
So I left. Got cursed out. Called selfish. Told I’m usually late myself to things so I couldn’t be upset at waiting in the rain, gaslighted on the situation. etc
The funny thing is, homegirl was pissed. It became a whole thing. Was I ? No, I was annoyed for sure. At myself mainly. I realized as far as she was concerned, she did nothing wrong. She was entitled to me waiting around in the rain on foot for 1.5hours. How dare I get annoyed? I usually would take this sort of shit in the friendship before, right?
Well, not anymore. That day I let it roll right off my back. It wasn’t worth my anger or sadness.
But, it was worth me taking a hard look at myself. I’m happy to say I no longer am friends with A. It ain’t beef, but I’ll be damned if I share my energy with someone that doesn’t even know how to apologize.
Saying no is hard. Everyone wants others to like them, not disappoint anyone, or making someone feel like they can’t rely on you can really sting. You know what stings harder? Disappointing yourself and not honoring your own needs. By always showing others you put them first, you’re also telling them you come last. Saying no is a way to set up healthy boundaries in your life.
The first step in being able to get comfortable with the art of saying no is coming up with a no-no list. Take a second and think of the ways you dishonor yourself in daily interactions. When you’re ready set intentions on how you’re no longer going to get tangled up in these sort of situations. Now, create a no no list.
Here’s mine so far:
- No answering, texting, or scrolling on my phone while I eat.
- Not going to social settings that I don’t like
- No feeling forced to go or do something inconvenient to you
- No going to things that waste money
- No taking dangerous risks that will have big consequences
- No letting disrespect slide, even if said/shown in an innocent manner
My list looks kinda short but I find most situations that are worth saying no to fit into one of my bullet points. Since I’ve started being serious about putting myself first always I’ve been surrounded by nothing but joy. Those who belong and want you in their life will not put themselves in a position to lose you. Period. Read it again if you need to. At the same time, when you love yourself you never feel like you need anyone.You’ll cut down on resentment and regret by simply learning to no longer engage in situations that don’t honor you .