Hard times, gonna make you wonder why you even try
After Allie and Misty, this blog is my CHILD.
I hold it near and dear to my heart.
I owe it to myself and whoever may read it to always be 110% authentic, raw, and honest.
A little while ago, I started feeling off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I ran into burnout. What even is Burnout JussSoul?
Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands.
When I first emerged victorious from my depression I wanted to do EVERYTHING.
I was tackling working, exercise, yoga, disciplined diet, blogging, craft projects, making new friends, catching up with old friends, cooking new recipes, getting settled after moving to a new state, binge watching tv, meditation, reading, being a cat mom, and my relationship – all at FULL THROTTLE. Diving headfirst and hungry I tried aggressively to make up for all the precious time depression robbed me.
It somehow started to feel like it wasn’t enough. There was always more I felt I should be doing but at the same time felt like I wasn’t built for this. Like I was inadequate to do what I perceived “normal” people could juggle.
So, I slowed down a bit.
& that folks, was my biggest mistake. Suddenly as soon as I chilled I no longer could get back into the groove.
I started having negative thoughts about myself about not being able to juggle as much as I wanted.
Then my anxiety sleazly came creeping and begging me to welcome her and depression back into my life.
why bother? why try? your chemical imbalance has already marked you.
The first song I thought to play as I write this was Hard Times. Paramore has such a way of writing poignant songs that really hits the nail on the head with depression, anxiety, angst, heartbreak and all the other nuances of life brings set against a upbeat, catchy tune.
Hard Times tho? This song takes me to another place and idk why. It always brings me back to my biggest fear – that no matter how hard I work or how hard I try, I’ll become schizophrenic like my mother. Mental illness running in the family is unnerving afffffffck. So why try? When I blast Hard Times, I think of all my trauma. I think of the rush of emotions my panic attacks inflict. I think of how far I’ve come. I think of all the amazing things the universe has given me recently. I think of everything I want. I think of the times I’m blind to the good. I think of how it feels to be on fire randomly.
The biggest take away as I’m jamming to these melancholy words I always relish in is why I try.
First and foremost- Jay, Allie and Misty aka my family ❤ No matter how overwhelming my day gets, they always put a smile on my face and offer a shoulder/paw to cry on. My friends are awesome, my uncle is really top tier, but mannnnn something about being curled up under my little family makes me feel on top of the world. I know I could go schizo tomorrow and they’d love me all the same.
& even I lost everything – I wouldn’t trade all the little joys in life for nothing. It took me a couple months to firmly shake the icky feeling.
Nowadays, people run to the internet to purge all their angst and issues. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that as a coping mechanism. I’m not here to tell anyone how to live their life but that’s not me.
I need to always sit and dissect my feelings. Get comfortable. Identify them. Understand where they come from and solve. I, personally, cant do that in front of a screen or lay it out as I go along. I live my life for me and only me.
I operate from a place of light and love. I hope to use my trauma to teach, to relate, and to educate others vs operating from trauma & trauma bonding
2019 was such a year of growth and healing. Grateful doesn’t even begin to explain the feeling. I don’t have all the answers yet and I probably never will. But I do have hope and faith. Hard Time can come and go as they please but the good always outweighs the bad 🙂
K.byeeeeeeeee – come back soon as I’ll def be writing more and more here 🙂